


forceful realizations

by Woahsos (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, I have no clue when this takes place, Light Angst, M/M, i just really love the idea of poe having the force, its not that sad or intense, kind of ingores canon, possible eating disorder trigger??, probably, the fiinnpoe is not very prominent, this is mainly about poe, yes i am ignoring the most recent movies, yes leia and luke are alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22108795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Woahsos
Summary: poe kind of discovers something about himself. he really doesn't want to acknowledge it. he has a little bit of a breakdown.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 120





	forceful realizations

Poe was scared.

Actually, that was an understatement.

Poe was not just scared. He was _terrified_.

In retrospect, he should have figured it out sooner. He had escaped death too many times to just put it down to him being lucky and a skilled pilot. Obviously, he was a talented pilot, but some of his encounters were too outlandish and unexplainable to just be skill. He should have taken more notice to the effect he had on other people. How a simple touch of his hand on someone's arm could make them visibly relax in a second, how his anger or enthusiasm seemed to radiate and spread to the people around him. He should have noticed the calculating looks Leia gave him when these things happened. Really, he should have figured it out when he was first captured by Kylo Ren, how he had fought and withheld information for so long. But he hadn't withheld it forever, and there was a war going on, so he brushed it under the rug. He hadn't wanted to think about it, hadn't wanted to consider it. Especially now, after seeing what the Force could do, after having his mind invaded and seeing his friends traumatized, he really didn't want to consider it.

But there was no denying the wreckage in his chambers.

Poe wasn't entirely sure what had happened. He had been frustrated all day, for several days in fact. They hadn't been able to make any progress for a few days. Information was being analyzed and nothing had been released yet, so there was nothing for Poe to do. No missions, no training, he had fixed and cleaned every single x-wing that needed it, hell he had even tried to fix and clean the ones that _didn't_ need it. He was restless and anxious, waiting for an assignment, or for the First Order to make a move. He had no idea what was going on or what was going to happen and he _hated_ it. Leia could sense it and shot him sympathetic looks whenever their paths crossed. She understood how dedicated he was to the fight and how much he despised feeling useless. It felt like everyone around him could sense it too, from how he constantly paced around base to how is leg bounced every time he sat down to how he was constantly fiddling with something: x-wing parts, BB-8's antenna, a drink or food, picking at his own clothes. People had tried to comfort him in subtle ways, but that changed after he had snapped at one of his fellow pilots.

It was a trainee, he couldn't even remember their name because he was so jittery. They had just been trying to help, asking Poe if he would teach them some of his more complex battle strategies or techniques or _something_. Poe knew they had good intentions, they just wanted to distract him, give him something to do, but Poe's nerves had been so frayed that he had just broken. His exact words were fuzzy in his mind, but he knew the vague idea of what he said. Something about how they were at war, there was no time to be messing around with reckless strategies, and didn't they have something _actually_ important to do. The trainee looked stricken, like Poe had just hit them. He may as well have. The room around them fell completely silent, everyone was staring at them in disbelief, some even looked scared. Poe was not the type to yell at people, to truly get angry with anyone, especially outside of battle. He instantly felt bad, muttering a quiet apology and then disappearing to his room to cry.

It was suffice to say that Poe had been quite testy lately. But, that's not really an excuse for what just happened. He had felt restless when he woke up, the same as every other day, and he was dreading having to leave his bed to talk to people. His nerves really were shot, and his stress settled into his neck and back, filling every step with pain. But he knew that people would be worried if he didn't make an appearance and probably send someone to check on him anyways, so it was better to just voluntarily talk to people. With that thought in mind, Poe made his way towards the mess hall, though he hadn't had much use for it lately. His weight loss had become significant, his face was pale and gaunt, and he looked noticeably thinner to anyone who really knew him.

As he sat at table, by himself with nothing in front of him, he spotted Leia a few tables down talking to some of the other commanders. He pushed himself away from the table and strode towards her. Logically, he knew there would most likely be nothing for her to tell him, but his hope was wearing thin, he had to take the risk. Maybe even just speaking to Leia would calm him. She always knew what to say.

"General," He greeted as he approached, not really feeling bad that he had interrupted whatever she was saying. Leia didn't really seem to mind either, having a little more patience for Poe than almost anyone else. "Are there any updates yet? Anything I can do?” Poe knew that he sounded desperate, and it only increased when Leia looked at him with pity. His chest tightened and warmth spread throughout his body.

"I'm afraid not, Poe. I'm sorry." She replied. Poe's eyes became unfocused, suddenly blurry with tears. Something about how she had addressed him by his name and not by Commander irked him. Like he no longer held that title, he was no longer important to the cause. He felt like a child begging to be useful even though all the grown ups knew that he was incapable of doing anything to help. And, he knew it was highly irrational, but he felt angry at Leia, his anger convincing him that she was withholding things from him on purpose, she didn't believe that he could do anything, that he wasn't really that good, wasn't really that useful to them. It was false, it was so obviously false, but it's what he believed in that moment of weakness.

Yet, he managed to simply nod his head and rush back to his room. The whole way, he kept his gaze locked on the floor as his throat continually contracted and tears threatened to spill. As he entered his room, he locked the door and began pacing. Or, he tried to pace at least, but the quarters felt small, smaller than they ever had before. He suddenly felt trapped, he felt as though the walls were shrinking in on him and he desperately wanted out. But there was nowhere for him to go, no place for him to escape to. Finn had been preoccupied for the past week with training, and Poe wasn't selfish enough to distract him from that just because he was having a slight breakdown.

Maybe it was more than slight.

Poe ran both of his hands through his hair, grasping and pulling at it as he continued to pace. His breathing was becoming heavier, his chest heaving with it, and his vision was speckled with black dots. Every part of him felt like it was ignited and it _burned_. He couldn't take it anymore. His pacing came to a sudden halt as he let out a scream of frustration. It was not, or should not have been, a powerful shout. It was short, choked almost. And yet, it felt like the energy just exploded out from him. The door rattled with it, his belongings that were sitting on his shelves toppled over, the sheets on his bed blew against the wall, and the glass of his mirror seemed to explode, shattering into hundreds of pieces and clattering to the floor. Poe himself had fallen to his knees from the impact of it.

It took several minutes for him to finally lift his head. He was panting harshly and it took a great deal of effort for him to focus his eyes and look around the room. For a moment, as he looked at the damage, there was nothing going through his mind. He was simply taking it in, processing. He registered that his face was damp and his hands were shaking. He placed them on the floor, hoping to steady himself.

"What the-" He whispered, when suddenly a loud banging sounded at his door. His door, he noticed, that now had a crack running down the middle. What had he _done?_

"Commander Dameron," A voice sounded from outside, "are you alright?"

Poe couldn't answer. Physically, it felt like nothing could come out of his throat. It took all of his remaining energy to force himself to his feet and stumble over to the door. Opening it, he saw one of his trainees standing on the other side looking worried and frightened.

 _Great_ he thought _now they're really going to think you're insane. There goes all the respect they ever held for you._

"Leia sent me to check on you." They continued, braving on despite how nervous they actually were. Poe assumed they were afraid he would yell at them as well, or...worse. "We heard...something from all the way in the mess hall. It sounded like an explosion, and then we heard glass shattering. We just wanted to make sure you were okay. What happened?"

Poe really wished he could answer that question, for everyone else's sake as well as his own. 

"I don't know." His voice was hoarse even though he hadn't screamed that much. Speaking seemed to drain him and his legs shook from exhaustion. "I need...Leia." He muttered before the world went dark.

\------

Poe's eyes slowly fluttered open and he registered the faint sound of voices somewhere nearby. The room he was in was definitely not his, but it was also not the infirmary seeing as the lights had been dimmed down. The bed was also much softer than any bed he had ever previously been in. There was a dull ache in the back of his head and all of his limbs felt tingly. Strangely, he did not feel panicked or anxious. He just felt...tired. He felt at peace, like his subconscious had already figured out what was going on and had accepted it for him. There was no way that would last long.

"Where-" He began asking before an onslaught of coughs rattled from him. He tried to bring his arm up to cover his mouth and realized that he couldn't, he could barely move at all. Looking down, he noticed that he had not been restrained to the bed, he just had no strength left. Normally, he knew that this, this feeling of weakness and like he had no control of his body, would make him want to cry. But now, he just rest his head back on the bed and closed his eyes. 

"Poe," A soft voice urged from beside him, "Poe, buddy, are you awake? Can you open your eyes?"

_Finn._

Poe opened his eyes again, taking in the sight of his beloved standing next to him. Worry had taken over Finn's features, worry and fondness and relief. He looked so beautiful. Just seeing Finn, feeling his presence, made something inside Poe settle. He felt more at ease than he had all week. As he looked at Finn, he found that he at least the energy to smile. Finn smiled in return and now Poe felt like he could cry. He hadn't realized how much he had missed Finn until right now and all he wanted was to throw his arms around Finn and hold onto him, tightly, but he _couldn't_ and now the feeling of weakness and uselessness crashed over him.

Finn must have seen the panic flood his features because he began shushing him, settling one warm hand on Poe's arm and helping him sit up with the other. Once Poe had gotten into a seated position, Finn handed him a cup of water, allowing him to take his time with drinking it. Poe felt some of his strength return, clearing his head and giving him use of his voice once more.

"Where am I?" He asked once he had finished the water, Finn taking it over to a sink to refill.

"General Leia's chambers." Finn replied, still speaking softly. The worry had not vanished from his face. It made Poe feel unsettled, like maybe he had done something wrong. Maybe he had upset Finn somehow, upset everyone. But, then again, he wouldn't be in Leia's room if he had upset everyone. He shouldn't be in Leia's room at all, and he couldn't remeber how he ended up there. 

"Why? What happened?" He questioned, taking the cup from Finn gratefully and sipping at it while he waited for Finn to answer.

Finn just looked at him with disbelief and slight exasperation, which definitely didn't make Poe feel any better. Finally, after a few silent seconds, Finn spoke, "You tell me! Someone comes to get me in the middle of training, saying that you just collapsed in your doorway after everyone heard some kind of thunderous explosion. Your room was in shambles, everything knocked over, the mirror broken, the door _cracked_ , and yet there's no signs of injury on you."

And yeah, now Poe remembered. The energy shooting out from him, knocking him to his knees and leaving him exhausted. The fear and concern written all over the young trainee's face. The fact that they had apparently heard him all the way out in the mess hall. But that didn't really explain what had happened. Although, Poe was starting to have some ideas now that his brain was back online. Ideas that he definitely did not want to be having.

"Where's Leia? I need to talk to Leia." He said urgently, trying to stand up before Finn pushed him back down onto the bed. Poe wasn't really convinced that he had the energy to stand by himself yet anyways.

"You need to eat first. Because, apparently, in my absence, that's something you've been neglecting, yes?" Finn questioned, although he already, obviously, knew the answer. Still, Poe looked up at him guiltily. He didn't want to become a burden, to have Finn constantly worrying that he couldn't take care of himself. He already felt bad enough that somebody had pulled Finn from his training to take care of him. Finn, however, just kisses the top of Poe's head and reassures him, "Leia said she would come talk with you once you've eaten. I'm not the only one worried about your health, you know."

Poe just smiles at that.

\------

True to his word, Finn leaves the room to get Leia once Poe has eaten enough that his limbs don't feel heavy anymore. It was a struggle at first, as he didn't have enough strength in his hand to steadily hold the food without dropping it or missing his mouth entirely. Finn ended up having to feed Poe at first, until his hands stopped shaking. Poe should have been embarrassed at being treated like an infant. But Finn never laughed at him or made him feel bad, just helped with soft-spoken and sincere words of encouragement. Plus, even Poe could admit that it felt nice to be taken care of every once in a while.

Once Finn had left the room, Poe swung his legs to the side of the bed in an attempt to sit up. He had to grasp the edge of the bed to keep himself steady, but he was otherwise fine. He closed his eyes, taking in the events of the day while trying not to send himself into a panic. They hadn't changed Poe out of the clothes he had put on that morning, and for that he was grateful. He focused on the feeling of the familiar cloth brushing against his skin, the bed underneath his hands and his legs, the sounds of the world around him, distant footsteps and chatter and beeping from droids. Once he felt centered, he opened his eyes to see Leia and Finn regarding from the doorway. Finn wore a look of concern and slight confusion, but Leia looked calm, like she had seen this before and knew exactly what was going on.

They crossed the room and sat on the bed on either side of him. Finn rested his hand on the small of Poe's back while Leia took one of Poe's hands in her own. When she finally spoke, it was both caring and commanding, like a mother would talk to her child.

"Poe, I need you to tell me what happened today. Just the facts, just what you remember."

Poe nodded and looked down, the pressure of her gaze too overwhelming. They waited patiently while Poe put his thoughts together, not wanting to speak until he was sure that a coherent story would come out.

"I'm sure you've noticed that I've been...frustrated lately. Just anxious and jittery, waiting for something to happen. Not having anything to do makes me feel so useless. And today, when I asked if there were any updates, I was just so desperate for something, anything really. I just needed _hope_ that something would happen. And you said no, which I had been expecting but I was still so disappointed and angry. I felt like you were withholding information from me on purpose because you didn't think I was useful anymore, and I know that isn't true but I've just been...I don't know. I haven't been thinking very logically lately. So I went back to my chambers, and it felt so small, I felt trapped and I kept pacing and nothing was helping. So I just...screamed, I guess. All I did was scream, but it felt like something burst from me and knocked over everything, including myself. And then I, you know, passed out." He said everything nearly in a whisper so Finn and Leia had to strain to hear him. He couldn't meet their eyes. Something inside of him, inside of his brain, was fighting to surface to the front. As hard as he tried to push it down, it pushed back harder, it pushed to be acknowledged at the least. He knew what it was, but he couldn't say it.

Luckily, he didn't have to. Leia said it for him, "Poe, that was the Force."

There it was, out in the open. But Poe couldn't accept it, refused to.

"No," he said, his voice cracking, "no, there has to be some other explanation. I'm not-I don't....it can't be."

"There is no other explanation, Poe." Leia said. Her voice was firm as her grip on his hand tightened, "I've suspected it for a while. I mean, with your precision and skill as a pilot. There's no doubt that you would still be our best pilot without it, but it has aided you through many dangerous feats. It has guided you through situations where anybody else would have crumbled. Not to mention the effect you have on the beings around you. And now this? There's nothing else it could be except the Force."

"I don't want that kind of power." He whispered, finally looking up at Leia. She saw the eyes of scared boy looking at her. A boy, who was normally so strong and collected, but now needed the comfort and guidance that only she could offer.

"We can have Luke train you-" She started.

"No!" He interrupted, "No, I don't want training. I don't want to be a Jedi or anything. I'm a pilot, that's what I know. I don't want this, I don't want to use this power, I don't want to hurt anyone." He was pleading and babbling now, shaking and crying as Leia pulled him against her in a hug, running her hand through his hair until he had calmed down enough for her to speak.

"You don't have to be a Jedi. I wouldn't want you to be. Like you said, you're a pilot. But Luke can teach you to control it, so something like this doesn't happen again. He can teach you how to harness it and use it only when you want to, if you ever do."

Poe lifted his head, wiping away his tears as he considered Leia's words. He didn't have to be a Jedi, and he wouldn't be Kylo Ren either. If anyone could truly help him, either to shut it down or make it useful to him, it was Luke. Finally, he nodded, "Okay. I'll do it."

Leia smiled at him, brushing a stray curl away from his forehead before standing up and leaving the room.

Finn, who had been silent the entire time, now spoke, "Poe, I didn't know you were struggling so much. Why didn't you talk to me?"

Poe hesitated before responding. He knew that telling Finn the truth would make him worry and maybe even hurt his feelings. But, he also knew that Finn would be able to decipher if he was lying. Finally, he said, "I didn't want you to worry. You were busy with training and I didn't want to be a distraction or a burden."

Now that he was saying it out loud, he felt a little stupid.

Finn obviously thought so too. "You are such an idiot." He said, his tone expressing the mix of exasperation and fondness he felt for Poe.

Poe laughed slightly and pulled Finn into a gentle embrace. He had gone a week without embracing Finn or even sleeping next to him, as Finn took his training very seriously and slept in the bunks with the other trainees, often staying up late to study or practice. Poe was touch-starved, but this hug was everything that he needed. It seemed to sew his shot nerves back together, the tension in his neck and back suddenly dissipating. His fatigue was completely erased, he felt more awake and content than he had in a while.

Eventually, Finn pulled back slightly to look Poe in the eyes. "I'll do better from now on, let me finish." He held up a finger as Poe opened his mouth to interrupt him, "I was neglecting you, but I won't let that happen again. I'll check on you more throughout the day and I'll come back to our room at night. I know your training will be difficult for you, especially on top of every thing else, but we'll get through it together. Okay?"

Poe nodded, smiling with tears shimmering in his eyes. Finn pulled him back into a hug, didn't complain when Poe nuzzled his face into Finn's neck even though his hair tickled slightly. Poe knew that whatever was about to happen would be an adventure. There would surely be absolutely terrible days, and there would hopefully be incredible days. But it was an adventure they were going on together, a mission of sorts.

It was going to be a wild ride,

Poe was _exhilarated_.

**Author's Note:**

> i sat down and wrote this in like three hours. i am not a die hard star wars fan so some of this may not be accurate but i tried my very best.  
> i just really like the idea of poe being force sensitive, okay?  
> please leave comments and kudos and all that :)


End file.
